My 2014 Resolutions

Happy New Years to all my friends and all those who have supported my blog. 

I'm sure there will be more blogs to come in the future!!

Love, Julia

Enough is Enough

It's that time of year again when we stop to reflect on our past year and what we have (or haven't) accomplished.  It's also the time that we set resolutions for ourselves for what we want to accomplish in the year to come.
I read an interesting post on the Green Mountain blog recently entitled "With Resolutions, Try Small and Mighty."  http://www.fitwoman.com/blog/
This blog encourages us to change our habit of making great big resolutions, long lists of intentions, and sweeping goals that will surely fall flat weeks or months into the new year.  Instead, it suggests making a small goal.  Something that is reachable and achievable.  By focusing on that one goal, we can change it, mold it, and grow it as we achieve it.  Imagine that, a resolution we actually achieve!
The part of the blog that spoke to me the most was:
Put the perfectionism to bed. You know her – the one always whispering to you that you’re not enough, that you haven’t done enough, that something or someone isn’t good enough.
Perfectionism (or lack thereof) is something I struggle with.  If I do everything as perfect as I can then maybe people won't notice my weight.  When it isn't perfect, I can be my harshest critic.  I struggle with the concept of being enough, I have a little voice in my head that whispers to me, your not enough, it's not enough, you didn't try hard enough.  My weight is a constant voice in my head that makes me feel like I am not enough.  No matter how hard I try in other areas of my life, I still feel that my accomplishments would be better if only I were skinnier.  If I receive a compliment such as, you look so nice, in my head I think, I would look much nicer if I was skinny.  I ran a 5K and still I thought, people would probably believe I was a runner if I was skinnier.  It's stupid, it's annoying, and usually not true but these are the little things that we do to belittle ourselves. 
When I finally get frustrated or overwhelmed with the effort of making everything perfect and enough, I give up.  It's all or nothing.  Stick to the healthy eating plan perfectly or not at all.  Exercise 4 times a week or not at all. 
So, I think one of my small goals will be to work on acknowledging that my efforts are enough.  By feeling that I am enough, I feel that this will influence my life in so many positive ways. 

 

 

 

Running a 5K

Hello friends.  I've been meaning to update all week but thought I should make schoolwork a priority.  This kind of responsibility is boring but there it is lol.  I do have to say, I got an A in my first class so I guess my hard work is paying off. 
Talking of hard work paying off.  Last weekend I was off to Boston for the 5K.  It was great to see Beth after so much time and to meet her sister, Ellie.  We took a pre race run on Friday on the Esplanade.  It was a very pretty place to get in a run. 

Had to take a quick break from running to get a picture

 

Saturday was a day of fun for us.  We picked up our race packets and shopped for a few fun things to finish of our costumes.  We then had a fun dinner in the North End and finished it all of with cannolis from Mike's Pastry.  It is a must when visiting Boston.

Race day was cold.  Once we got started running, I warmed up quite quickly.  Beth, Ellie, and I decided it was best if we ran by ourselves during the race. Although the course information said it was "mostly flat," I did not agree with that assessment.  Ha!  Not even half a mile into the race, there was a nice steep hill.  The worst was after the 2 mile marker, a gradual incline that seemed to go on forever.  I had been doing pretty good up until this time but I have to admit, this is where I lost it.  I ended up walking for about 2 or 3 minutes.  I was obviously a little disappointed that I had to walk but, in the end, I was happy with my time and happy to finish. 
My finishing time was 50:16 which is a pace of 16:10/mile. 

 

Our race day costumes

 

 

Couldn't help but celebrate as I crossed the finish line

 

 

Since returning home from Boston, I have been bugged with a little inconvenient upper respiratory infection.  I did not let this stop me from turning into a princess yesterday at work.  It was great fun, probably my favorite costume yet. 

Once I recover from my inconvenient little illness, I plan on resuming my running.  I want to run a 5K in November on Thanksgiving Day.  I also want to run in the Cherry Blossom 5K in April.  This race is by lottery only so getting in is not certain.  If we can get in, Beth and Ellie want to come to DC and run with me! 
Until that time, I will keep up my running and hopefully start to improve my time.  I have downloaded a new app that will help me work on that called 5K Forever. 
Here's to setting new goals!

A Goal Met

I have officially finished the Couch to 5K app.  Technically this means I should be able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes.  In reality, I am running about a 16 minute mile.  Last night, I ran 37 minutes straight without walking.  I did stop at a traffic light for about 30 seconds and almost got run over by a biker because I was looking down at the sidewalk instead of looking where I was going. 
I am so excited that I actually stuck it out and finished the app.  I think this could be the first time I have made an exercise related goal and stuck with it.  Like I have said in the past, I have issues with consistency.  It probably took me longer than 8 weeks to finish the whole thing but the important thing is that I finished!  I found it hard to believe in the first few weeks that I would eventually be able to run 30 minutes at a time when I could barely run more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time without feeling like I was going to bust a lung.  I guess it really goes to show that this training app does work.   
Tomorrow I am flying to Boston to meet up with Beth and Ellie.  I absolutely do not think I could have accomplished this goal without them.  You guys rock!!
The 5K is Sunday morning.  My goal is to run the whole thing.  Realistically, I am aiming to run at least 2.5 miles of it and will be really excited if I do run the whole thing.  I am going to start out at my pace and not allow the excitement of the racers around me cause me to tire out too soon.  I'll update after the race with some fun pictures of our costumes.

Practice Run

I have reached week 7 of my 5K training.  I am 75% through my training. 
Today I participated in the Cody's Crew 5K.  Cody lost his battle to neuroblastoma in 2009 and his family established Cody's Crew to raise funds for research in the treatment of neuroblastoma. 
https://codys-crew.org/
Since I have not finished my 5K training, I treated this 5K as my week 7 day 1 training and then finished the 5K, running as much as I could.  I finished in 49:43 and had a pace of 16:03/mile.  I found it hard to get into a rhythm and don't think I ran as much in one stretch as I usually do in my training.  I'm not sure what the reason for this is but I have a few thoughts on it.  One is that I am used to running on a flat track and the few hills on the 5K track slowed me down.  Also, I started out the 5K running the rest of the pack and I definitely think I ran a little faster than I usually do in the first 15 minutes.  Overall, though, I'm pleased with my results and I'm determined to continue on with my training.  I have 2 weeks left in my training and 4 weeks until my trip to Boston and the Big 5K there.

 

My running team :)

 

 

Running On...

Hello friends.  I know it's been a while since I've updated.  I am in my third week of school and it has taken some adjustment to get used to having schoolwork again.  I also just got home from Florida, where I attempted to keep up with my training while enjoying time with my family.
The runs have definitely been getting longer and harder.  On my last run, I felt like I had hit a wall.  It was a 5 minute warm up, 5 minute run, 2 minute walk, 8 minute run, 2 minute walk, and 3 minute run.  I felt miserable the whole run.  This might have been because I was running in Florida and it was 85 degrees but felt like over 90 degrees with heat and humidity.  I felt like my face was on fire and I was constantly looking at the time to see how much time was left on the run.  I did finish each run completely but I really hated every step I took.  After that run, I had this mental block to going out and running again in Florida.  Plus we were crazy busy the rest of the weekend and I never made it out again.
I was understandably very nervous to go out tonight and run.  Today was Week 5 Day 3 and consisted of a 5 minute warm up, 8 minute run, 2 minute walk, and 10 minute run.  I didn't work today and went out this evening after working on schoolwork and running errands.  It was about 7:15 this evening and it was already getting dark.  The temp was about 68 or so and I was actually a little chilly until I had gotten into the first run.  I contemplated wearing a long sleeve shirt next run but I was warm enough by the time I was finished.  I say this because when I ran in Florida, it was about 25 degrees warmer and around noon, so the sun was very hot.
I feel like I made a breakthrough tonight guys!!  I ran the first 8 minutes and when it was time to walk again, I felt like I could have kept on running.  I recovered well during the 2 minute walk and I was ready to go again for the 10 minute run.  I tried not to think in terms of time and, instead, I knew how many laps around the track I would make in 10 minutes and how many songs I would listen to during that 10 minutes.  When 10 minutes was up, I was ready to stop running but I was not out of breath and my mind was not thinking this is one of the most miserable things I've ever done.  I wanted to do a victory walk around the track just because I was so pleased with the run.  My first mile was 16:27 and I did a total of 2 miles so I improved both my first mile time and the distance I ran.
I'm hoping that my next runs will continue on in this way.  I am a little concerned about the fact that it is getting darker earlier and earlier every time I go out.  I am able to go out to run a little earlier after work, I get home about 6:15 and usually I like to relax and go out to run at 7.  However, I can probably try to go out at 6:30 to take advantage of the light.  There will come a time when it is dark when I leave work at 5:30 and I will have to come up with a solution at that time.  There were actually quite a few people using the track despite the dark and there were a couple lights on the track but not quite enough to light the whole track.  I have thought about trying to find out if there is an indoor track that I can use in Alexandria but I hate the thought of running inside when the weather is still nice enough that I can run outside. 
Tomorrow is Wednesday and I am planning on starting week 6. 
My schedule for the last 2 weeks of training look like this:

Week 6 Day 1 -- 5 minute warmup, 6 minute run, 1 minute walk, 12 minute run
Week 6 Day 2 -- 5 minute warmup, 10 minute run, 1 minute walk, 8 minute run
Week 6 Day 3 -- 5 minute warmup, 20 minute run with no walking
Week 7 Day 1 -- 5 minute warmup, 15 minute run, 2 minute walk, 5 minute run
Week 7 Day 2 -- 5 minute warmup, 20 minute run, 2 minute walk, 1 minute run
Week 7 Day 3 -- 5 minute warmup, 22 minute run, 1 minute walk, 1 minute run
Week 8 Day 1 -- 5 minute warmup, 25 minute run with no walking
Week 8 Day 2 -- 5 minute warmup, 28 minute run with no walking
Week 8 Day 3 -- 5 minute warmup, 30 minute run with no walking  FINISHED!!!

If I finish the training on time, I will still have about 3 weeks until the 5K.  I am going to continue to add time onto the 30 minute run so that I can add distance and also work on speeding up a little bit.  My goal is to run all or most of the 5K. 

Running in Florida

 

This is what miserable looks like when training for a 5K in Florida

Week 3

Today I finished my last day of week 3.  Week 3 was a 5 minute warmup, running 2 minutes, walking 2 minutes, running 3 minutes, walking 2 minutes, repeat this cycle twice, and a 5 minute cooldown.  I definitely found week 3 to be challenging. I guess every week will be challenging.  I am nervous to move on to week 4.  I have even thought about staying on week 3 for another week but I've decided to give week 4 a try. 
I was pleased with my running schedule last week.  I took last Monday off, trained on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, took Friday off, then trained Saturday and today.  I also did 2 days of strength training which is progress for me.  I have been doing the Green Mountain Express which is one of the DVD's I bought at GM, it was designed for busy people.  The GM Express is a full body strength training and is only one set of 15 for each exercise.  I paused the DVD after each exercise and repeated so I could get in 2 sets. 
Most days after work, I have found that the easiest place to run is the track across the street from my apartment.  I don't mind the routine of running around the track.  It's actually good for me to measure my progress.  When I started week 1, I was only able to run around about 1/4 of the track.  Now that I am on week 3, I've been running around about 3/4 of the track.  I'm hoping that by next week, I will be able to run around the entire track once without stopping. 
I picked up a really cool new water bottle today.  The strap fits around your hand so that you don't have to hold the water bottle.  It also has a little pouch on the front that fits a phone, keys, and ID.  I have an armband for my phone that I really like but I liked that I could put my keys in the pouch.  I totally copied Beth because she already has one but I don't think she'll mind :) 

Today I went to run on a trail called the Mount Vernon trail.  It is in Old Town Alexandria and runs along the Potomac River.  The trail itself is 18 miles long.  My favorite part of the trail is near George Washington's home Mount Vernon.  There are lots of trees and usually a nice breeze off the river.  The trail today was busy with runners and bikers.  It was nice to get away from my usual track and the scenery was so nice during my run.  I completed the 5K training program and then continued on for a total of 2.3 miles.

My favorite part of the run today was running over the bridge.  I took a

 scenery break on my way back to capture these shots.

I was aiming for a total of 3 miles today but I ran into a little problem.  And in this problem, I learned my lesson for the day.  After parking and walking over to the trail, I realized I needed to use the restroom.  I was less than excited to use the provided bathroom facilities and decided that I would hold it.  This was a bad idea.  By the time I made it back to my car, I was in misery.  The fact that I was drinking water during my run did not help.  Had I put aside my bathroom standards, I probably could have finished the entire 3 miles. So, on race day, I need to suck it up and use porta potties if that's all there is.  For some people, this may be no big deal.  For me, this is a huge deal.  I'm the girl who walked the entire St Jude Half Marathon without stopping to use a porta potty. 
Next week I am starting on week 4.  I am planning on running Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and possibly Friday.  The program is actually only 3 days a week.  Week 4 is a 5 minute warmup, running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes, running 4 minutes, walking 3 minutes, running 5 minutes.  It has not gone past my notice that, as of this week, the 5 minute cooldown is gone.  I'm ok with that because I can always walk a cooldown on my own.  I am also very nervous to see a 5 minute run and think that will definitely be a huge challenge for me. 

 

On to week 2

This evening I moved on to week 2 of Couch 2 5K.  Week 2 is a 5 minute warmup, then jogging 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, jogging 90 seconds, walking 2 minutes, repeat this cycle 3 times, then a 5 minute cooldown.  This equals a total of 9 minutes of jogging and 21 minutes of walking.  I walk/ran 1.87 miles.  I was definitely winded after each jog but found that I was able to recover sufficiently during the walk and was ready to start jogging again when the next cycle started.  I felt very proud and, at the end of the run/walk, I had to reflect on past attempts with this app.

Having tried to do the Couch 2 5K app in the past, I never made it past week 1.  Last fall, I attempted to do the app with my (now former) coworkers.  I found that because I wasn't consistent with doing 3 days a week of training, I was never able to work up the endurance to get past week 1.  In fact, I really think that I only got in one run/walk a week.  I remember not being able to do all the runs in week 1 in the beginning.  (If I didn't say before, week 1 is a 5 minute warmup, then jogging 45 seconds, walking 90 seconds, jogging 45 seconds, walking 60 seconds, repeat this cycle 5 times, then a 5 minute cooldown).  I do think that I managed to complete one full run/walk without having to walk any of the runs last fall.  Probably around that time, I gave up and stopped the training.  I specifically remember that this was sometime around last October or early November because it was getting cold and getting dark earlier.  Around this same time, I found out that I had gotten the scholarship and that Green Mountain was finally going to become a reality instead of a dream.  

Today, as I completed week 2 day 1, I realized that even with my issues with inconsistency, I am in better shape now than I was last fall.  After coming home from Green Mountain, I was disappointed that it was so easy to fall back into my old habits.  It was actually much harder than I WANTED it to be to keep up the workouts and healthy eating.  Obviously we were prepared by the staff at Green Mountain not to expect a sudden and miraculous transformation and to set small and attainable goals. Even though I came home repeating to myself, set small goals, be kind to myself, I still thought, in the very back of my mind, maybe I could have a miraculous transformation, that it would somehow be different for me.  And as usual, I was unrealistic in my expectations, setting myself up for disappointment.  This something that most of us women struggle with.  

While I definitely have my challenges and days and even weeks where I  don't work out and don't eat healthy, what I learned and what I gained at Green Mountain is still there.    

So enough of all that mushy reflection.  

Successes for this week:  I did fit in one day of strength training this week and one day last week.  Which is more strength training than I had done in a while.  So next week, I hope to fit in 2 days of strength training.  I was disappointed that my yoga class was cancelled last Tuesday because I really enjoy at least one day of yoga a week.  I also successfully tracked my food on My Fitness Pal Monday through Thursday.  Even though I wasn't trying to track my calorie intake, I seemed to get about 1700 calories on average every day.  I packed my breakfast and lunch every day except today, took my coffee to work (because if I go to Starbucks to get coffee, it is physically impossible to not buy a blueberry scone.  Seriously), and ate a salad with my dinner.  I got a chance to play tennis with Allison (my Green Mountain DC friend) and we actually got a few good volleys going.  I'm hoping that means my tennis game is improving , however, it could just be because we were using a foam practice tennis ball.    

My GM BFF Beth and her sister have both started their 5K training.  We also picked up an extra team member, a participant at Green Mountain that was there after I left but while Beth was still there.  We are all registered for the 5K in Boston at the end of October.  We have started an ongoing group text message between the 3 of us to motivate and share our successes.  Thanks to unlimited text messages, it is, in fact, possible to train for a 5K together even though we live in 3 separate cities.  We have also come to the conclusion that our lives would be much easier if we lived in the same city but I don't think we can agree on what city that would be (go DC!!).  We are planning to wear costumes in the 5K (it does fall at the end of October so a lot of runners will be dressed up for Halloween).  I'll keep the costumes we have settled on secret until the big 5K day.  

Well friends, have a great weekend!

Making big decisions, losing my way on the path, finding my way back...

When I decided to keep up this blog once I got home from Vermont, I promised to share my challenges and my accomplishments.  In the past month, I have failed in that promise.  Mostly because there have been more challenges than there have been accomplishments.  Today I want to dedicate myself to updating my blog much more frequently. 
Since I've updated in July, I have made a huge life decision and that is to go back to school.  I happened to be spending a fun day at the pool with my friend Annemarie and her 2 little ones.  She was telling me how she wanted to go back to school and I made a flippant comment to the effect of, if you go back to school, so will I.  The next thing I knew, I was going back to school.  I am going to get my Masters of Science in Nursing Education.  This is a decision I have been putting off for years.  I've been out of school for 12 years.  I enjoy my free time, reading whatever I want, not having to worry about papers and schoolwork.  However, I have also reached a point where I realize that movement in my career requires me to get more education.  Now that I have made the decision, I'm excited to get started and also a little apprehensive about what I am getting myself into. 
The program I am enrolled in is an online program.  I will continue to work full time in the job I have now.  I am worried about how adding schoolwork to my schedule will affect my ability to exercise after work.  I do not want to sacrifice my workouts to do schoolwork.  Once I get started with my first class and see what the course load will be like, I am going to make a schedule to get my schoolwork done without sacrificing my exercise. 
While it was a huge decision, once I made it, things seemed to move very fast.  I was accepted to the program, approved for financial aid, and enrolled in my first class before I could change my mind.  I'm sure that there will be plenty of times over the next 2 years that I wish I wasn't in school but I am very sure that I will be happy I did it when I am finished. 
Over the past month, I feel that I have lost my path.  And what path is that, you may be asking?  It's my Green Mountain path.  I knew this wouldn't be an easy path to stay on.  It never has been, the whole 34 years of my life.  Acknowledging that I've lost the path is the first step to getting back on it.  Sometimes I get glimpses of that path and I know I am close to it.
Food has been a problem.  At Green Mountain, we learned that we should eat what we want and not restrict or deny ourselves.  Well, I seem to have taken that in the most literal form possible.  I went for a time in the last month where I just didn't deny myself anything.  If I wanted to eat a donut that a patient's family brought us for breakfast, I ate it.  I ate it and enjoyed it.  Before Green Mountain, I would have denied myself and then craved it the rest of the day.  Or I would have eaten it and then felt horribly guilty the rest of the day.  So I ate the donut and enjoyed it and then let it go. 
When I got on a kick of making little homemade pepperoni pizzas for every dinner for an entire week, I ate them and enjoyed them.  Every night.  Monday through Thursday.  They were good although rather nutritionally limited.
On a good hand, if I can say it is good, I ate those things and didn't feel a bit guilty about it.  But there has to be some moderation there.  There has to be balanced and smart choices.  Green Mountain doesn't say eat a diet of junk and don't deny yourself.  They say, don't deny yourself but eat a healthy, balanced diet of vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and lean meats and allow yourself to have the treats on occasion.  Maybe I needed that absolute freedom to eat what I wanted and not feel bad.  Maybe it was good for my mind to know that I would not deny myself what I wanted.  Maybe that sounds crazy and like I'm trying to justify my lapse in good food judgement.
Now I need to step just slightly away from that absolute freedom.  I need to make balanced choices.  I need to stop and ask myself how much I really want that treat.  I need to make sure there are vegetables and fruit in my fridge.  I need to make sure there are healthy choices in my pantry.  I don't want to go back to that diet mentality where I deny myself and feel miserable with every choice I make.  I need to find that middle ground.
On that line of thinking, I have decided that I am going to start keeping track of my food on My Fitness Pal.  I have done this in the past with some amount of success.  I am not going to keep track of my food so I can count every calorie and weigh and measure everything I eat.  I am going to keep track of my food to give myself accountability.  If I decide on a certain day that I don't feel like tracking my food, I won't do it.  On most days, especially during the weekdays, I will keep track of my food.
The way that I am talking about eating whatever I want makes it seem like I must have gained 10 pounds or more over the last month.  I am happy to say that is not the case.
On to exercise.  I feel like I am writing a confessional.  Exercise has been my usual lack of consistency.  Some good weeks and some not so good weeks.  I definitely had 2 weeks straight that I came home from work and sat down on the couch (or my bed) and ended up waking up an hour later after I took a nap.  I guess for some reason my body needed more rest and I gave it what it needed.  However, I also had some good weeks where I got in 2 or 3 days of workouts after work.  I have let my strength training fall to the wayside and want very much to find a way to get that back into my exercise routine.
I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with one of my Green Mountain friends that lives in the DC area.  We have met up a couple of times to play tennis.  We try for every Thursday but our schedules, being what they are, haven't always worked out.  Playing tennis with her is fun because we have a similar level of skill.  That is to say, we both need some practice.  We have a great time, chat the whole time we are playing, and get in some great exercise. 
Talking about tennis, I have found a form of exercise that I really enjoy.  My boyfriend and I play tennis frequently on the weekends.  I have no formal training and I will admit that I play tennis rather poorly.  I'm hoping that I improve with practice.  But I enjoy it and isn't that what matters. 
In the past week, I decided to restart the Couch 2 5K app on my phone.  I have tried to do this training program for running in the past and have never successfully completed it past the second week. Like I said, consistency has always been my problem.  Apparently my motivation to pick up training to run has rubbed off on my Green Mountain BFF Beth.  After a few text messages from her, we've decided to train together.  In a figurative way, of course, considering she is in Denver and I am in DC.  Along with Beth's sister, we decided to sign up for a 5K in Boston in 10 weeks, the last of October. 
Now I know that for some of my friends out there who have completed half and full marathons, a 5K may sound like a small goal.  However, our goal is to run the whole 5K.  I have never been able to run more than a mile at a time and that was quite a few years ago.
I bought new running shoes today.  Those new shoes are my way of taking this step seriously.  Day 3 of week 1 is tomorrow. 
 

These shoes were made for running

My love/hate relationship with Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition

Well, once again, I sat attached to my tv last night watching Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition.  I'm pretty sure I haven't missed an episode since it started.  I addicted, I'll admit it.  

As I watch the show, I feel emotionally moved by these people who are on such a drastic weight loss journey.  I don't get this reaction from other shows like Biggest Loser.  I especially get emotional when the lucky recipient of Chris Powell's participant for the week is a woman.  I have been moved to tears.  

I start to think, as the show progresses and the person starts to lose weight, I need to do that.  I need an extreme makeover.  I want to go on that show.  Wouldn't we all be so lucky to have Chris Powell helping us lose weight.  I've even gone as far as researching how to go on the show.  

Here is where I pause, I become conflicted.  The essential concept of EMWLE is so far from what I learned at Green Mountain.  I wonder sometimes if watching the show is the best thing for me.  So here are my pros and cons of watching EMWLE.

  

PROS:

1)  Chris Powell talks about this being a "lifestyle change," its not a diet.  Although the first 3 months are extreme, the participants eventually have to learn how to incorporate exercise and eating healthy into their everyday lives.  

2)  Exercise is an essential part of the program.  They have to do both cardio and strength training.  Chris always asks them, what have you always wanted to do.  So some participants learn how to ride bikes and eventually go on a bike race.  Some learn to run and do a marathon.  

3)  They are held accountable.  Chris gives them goals to meet and they are held responsible if they don't meet those goals. 

4)  They get to have skin removal surgery.  OK, so this is a pro for me but others may not think it is.  I have always wanted to lose enough weight to qualify for skin removal surgery.  For me, this is a huge pro that the participants get at the end of the show.  

5)  Chris Powell is a hottie.  Who wouldn't want him to be their trainer.  I'd be inspired to lose weight too.  Just saying.  

CONS

1)  The essential idea of the show is unrealistic.  These people have huge amounts of weight to lose.  They lose it in a year.  One thing I learned at GM and that might apply to this show also is that the time period on the show might not actually be a year.  For example, on Biggest Loser, every week, the participants stand on a scale and get weighed and lose huge amounts of weight.  In actuality, the weigh in times on Biggest Loser are longer than a week.  The mass American audience is made to think that these huge weight loss numbers happen in one week but it is more like 10 days to 2 weeks.

2)  Expanding on #1, even if it is an actual year, the weight loss is unrealistic for everyday people like myself.  There is no way I could ever just take 3 months off of work and dedicate my every waking moment to exercising with Chris Powell.  Of course they will lose a huge amount of weight doing that.  However, it makes us create unrealistic goals for ourselves, we don't reach these goals, get frustrated, give up, and its a never ending cycle that never ends in us losing the weight we want.  If I just realized that this takes time, it may take 2 or 3 years to lose as much weight as I need to lose, maybe I wouldn't get so frustrated with myself.  

3)  It probably isn't really all that healthy to lose that much weight in that amount of time.  Most doctors, weight loss experts, etc, say you should realistically aim for 1-2 pounds a WEEK.  Not a day, which is what some of these participants lose.

4)  The show emphasizes the exercise but doesn't really say much about food.  It does talk about eating healthy but it really doesn't go into too much detail on what kind of diet the participants are put on.  More than likely, the participants are on very calorie restricted diets.

5)  When I watch the show, I do become very emotional at the weight loss achievements of the participants.  I want so much to be that person and it sometimes leaving me feeling worse about myself.  

6)  Shouldn't I embrace getting and being healthy over losing weight?  Didn't I learn at Green Mountain that it is not about the numbers on the scale as much as how I feel?  On EMWLE, it is absolutely about the numbers on the scale.  I'm sure losing weight will come hand in hand with getting healthy.  However, the amount of weight I would lose might not be as extreme as my mind thinks it wants to lose.    

I think my cons are actually stronger than my pros.  Some of my cons even contradict my pros.  

Will I keep on watching the show?  Probably.  But hopefully I can separate my journey, my achievements, and my disappointments from the journey of the participant.    

Overcoming Exercise Obstacles

We all know that exercising is an important aspect to our health.  I know that when I exercise, I feel better, stronger, and happier.  I feel like my clothes fit better, even if my weight has not changed at all, and I feel more confident.  When I don't work out, I feel sluggish, tired, and very self conscious.  I don't like the way my clothes fit and I don't like the way I look.

So, knowing all this, why is it so hard for me to be consistent with my workouts?  I do great for a few weeks and then I have a week like last week where I don't work out at all.  

One of the big concepts I learned at Green Mountain was to stop thinking about it as exercise and to start thinking about it was moving.  The word exercise makes you think of 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill followed by 20 minutes of lifting weights.  To me, that sounds boring and monotonous.  

What types of movement that I like might be totally different from what types of movement another person likes.  That was one of the reasons we tried so many different types of movement at Green Mountain.  We had choices every time exercise was on our schedule.  That way we could try something new or even avoid exercise that we knew we wouldn't enjoy.  I learned that I did not enjoy the cardio on the fitball but really liked Nia and Vermonting.  

So what is the point I am trying to get to?  I need to work harder on making my exercise less monotonous.  If I don't feel like doing the Jillian Michaels workout maybe I should go for a walk.  If I am tired after a really busy day at work, maybe I should go to the pool.  The whole idea is to get moving.  Of course we want to get our target heart rate up
but, like I learned at Green Mountain, something is better than nothing.  

I've always wanted to play tennis.  For some reason, I never really got into it.  I tried to sign up for a beginners tennis class back in the spring but it was cancelled because of lack of participants.  This weekend, my boyfriend bought a tennis racket and we went and played tennis both yesterday and today.  This morning's tennis game included a 2 mile round trip walk to and from the tennis courts.  I wore my Polar heart monitor and definitely got my heart rate up.  Probably because I was running after the ball so much.  Although I was not good at the game, I had a lot of fun and I think I want to play more often.  So if anyone wants to play a game with me, just let me know!

I had on my most capable tennis outfits.  I definitely think it helped me play better.

Dealing with stress

Stress is an inevitable part of our lives.   Learning how to handle stressful situations was one of the most beneficial things I learned at Green Mountain.  But just like with everything else I learned at Green Mountain, incorporating these techniques into my life takes effort and does not happen overnight.  In other words, while I am doing better dealing with stressful situations, I am not an expert at it yet.    Recently, I have found myself in some very stressful situations.  I can't say that I have handled the stress in stellar fashion. However, I also think I'm doing good considering the circumstances that I was put in. And while I would like to say that I feel like everyone has been supportive, there have been some instances where I've felt like I was thrown under a bus and run over. Repeatedly. 

I've tried to use what I learned at Green Mountain to help me deal with this stress.  But in a highly stressed moment, it is hard to remember those things.  It's all well and good for me to know that my most effective stress relieving techniques are to remove myself from the situation, such as going into the bathroom and locking the door so that person can't follow you, washing my hands or putting lotion on my hands, taking deep breaths, and slowly drinking water, preferably through a straw.  Others may not understand that those are stress relieving techniques  and take offense, especially the one where you remove yourself from the situation, i.e. walking out of the room while someone is causing you stress.  I try to remind myself that not everyone has effective tools to deal with stress and it might be less than helpful to recommend they should learn some. I do have a habit of handing out handwritten affirmations to my workmates.  So far I've been met with favorable responses to that.  

My eating habits seem to always be the first to suffer when I get stressed.  While at Green Mountain, we were encouraged to eat on a schedule.  However, there are days that I've been so busy I realize it is 2 or 3 in the afternoon and all I've eaten so far is a yogurt and a banana.  As a nurse, I often skip lunch or wait until late in the afternoon to eat lunch.  When I finally get a chance to eat, I am so hungry that I grab the first thing that comes to hand.  Sometimes it is a healthy lunch that I have packed myself.  Other times it is a cupcake, donut, or bag of chips that has been brought in by a well wishing organization or family.  And yet, how can we expected to do our jobs effectively if we are hungry?  How can we handle the stress effectively?  No wonder people lose their temper or act rudely when they are under stress.  Maybe they are just hangry (hungry and angry).  It's like those Snickers commercials where a person is losing their temper at another person and their friend hands them a Snickers bar.  You just don't act yourself when you are hungry (or hangry, whichever). 

Of course, we are trying to provide our patients the best care possible.  I often feel guilty if I delay going to draw a patients labs by 5 or 10 minutes so that I can eat a few bites of lunch.  I know that the patients want to be done in clinic so that they can go home.  But, in reality, does that patient really want a nurse who has a pounding headache and feeling slightly lightheaded because she is so hungry to draw their blood or give them chemo??  We must first take care of ourselves if we are going to take care of others.  

So in this high stress time, I am going to try very hard to stop myself before I get too worked up.  Once my stress level has gotten to a certain point, it is hard for me to calm down.  I got out my Green Mountain binder to remind myself of some of the great stress relieving techniques that we learned.  I wrote out some new affirmations to tape to my computer.  I cannot rely on others to know how to control their anger and stress.  But I can try to not let myself react in the same way.  

A month in retrospect...

Hello friends.  I realize it has been a while since I've updated my blog.  It has been a stressful month.   

In so many ways, I look back at that "Green Mountain me" and think, where is that girl??  I'm sure she is there.  She just gets a little lost with work and the stresses of everyday life.  

There are 3 nurses in the clinic that I work in, including myself.  Julia, Katie, and Christie.  We named ourselves the "dream team."  We've worked together for the past few years in a small, cramped office.  9 hours a day, 4 days a week, I've worked with these women and gotten to know them very well.  We have shared our happy times and our sad times, supporting each other through it all.  We've taken care of our patients, celebrated together when they finish treatment and mourned together when they don't.  In the span of the past 2 weeks, both of my coworkers left the clinic to pursue new adventures.  I'm happy for them that they have these opportunities but sad for myself that I've lost these coworkers and friends.  

Now I have to look forward.  What else can you do when you have lost 2/3 of the nursing staff in a 2 week time span?  We still have patients to take care of.  We have 2 new nurses starting and both have to be trained.  That will fall mostly on my shoulders.  I'm equally excited to begin and nervous about the idea of training 2 new nurses almost simultaneously.  

The stress of the past month has definitely effected my eating and exercise habits.  I let myself fall into a lot of my old habits.  I also used a lot of what I learned at Green Mountain to get me through.  I tried very hard to be kind to myself, to be patient with myself.  I was not always successful doing that.  

Before Green Mountain, I would have seen myself as failing whatever diet I was trying to be on at the time.  I would give up completely.  But this isn't just any diet I am on now.  If I view this as a new way of life, then I have to accept there will be ups and downs.  There will be weeks or even months where I can't seem to put it all together, where I slip back into my old habits.  During those times, I have to be patient with myself and work towards getting back to where I was.  It is three steps forward and one step back.  I will count this past month as one step back.  I am not going to let that completely undo the two steps I am still forward.  I did not lose any weight this month but I also did not gain any weight this month.  I count that as a success.  I can still feel a difference in my clothes.  I felt confident in my body during social events.  I used self soothing techniques that Darla taught us at Green Mountain during some very stressful times. 

Now I will try to get back that one step I took backward.  My goal the past week was to work out 4 days during the week, Monday through Thursday.  Monday and Tuesday, I did the Jillian Michael's DVDs that incorporate cardio and strength.  Wednesday was supposed to be a cardio only day.  I came home from work and ended up putting on my pajamas.  Then I just decided I was going to do it. I put my exercise clothes on and went for a 35 minute walk.  Thursday, I took a nap instead of working out.  So I didn't meet my goal.  Or maybe I set my goal to high.  I will be proud of the 3 days I did work out instead of being overly critical about the 1 day I didn't.  

My diet is definitely not where I want it to be.  When I say diet, I don't mean "a diet," I mean my overall eating habits.  I have accepted the fact that I am not going to want to cook every night after I get home from work and exercise.  So I am going to allow myself frozen meals from Trader Joes.  These were mentioned by the nutritionist at Green Mountain as being nutritionally better than a lot of the frozen meals found at the grocery.  I will mix these in with home cooked meals so that some nights I eat a frozen meal and others I cook a quick stir fry or grilled chicken.  Easy options is the only way for me to go, otherwise, I fall into ordering out or eating out on my home.  

So my goals for this week.  I realize that last week I may have set my goal too high by wanting to work out 4 days.  So my goal next week is to match this week and work out 3 days.  This weekend promises for nice weather and I am hoping to get in some activities outside.  As for my diet goals, I am going to pack my breakfast and lunch for work and not buy food at work.  This is actually a very easy goal for me.  I am also aiming to cook dinner 2 nights and have leftovers so that I only eat a frozen meal once or twice for dinner.  

So those are my goals.  They are small goals.  If I don't meet my goals, I will be kind to myself.  I will be proud of what parts of my goals I achieved and know that, just because I did not meet my goal, I will not give up.  

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Being comfortable in your body

I had a chance to spend some time this weekend with some friends for a bachelorette party. It was fun to spend a whole day with some great women!
Usually, this kind of situation causes a certain amount of stress for me. Why would spending a whole day with great women, having fun, drinking wine, shopping, and talking cause me stress?? Well, the reason really is quite dumb if you think about it but it is also one that I think many plus size women probably understand. It was because all the women I was with were thin.
Now, many of you are probably thinking in your head, really Julia?! Why would spending a whole day with thin women make you uncomfortable? But I feel that my plus size readers probably understand where I am coming from.
Let me explain. As a plus size woman, I am constantly aware that I am larger than the other women around me. I am very sure that they are probably not thinking about our size difference, but for me, that is one of the first things I think about when I get in a group of women. I try to compensate for that by being extremely selective about what I wear. I have been known to pick out my outfit weeks in advance, worrying over it, asking other people what they are wearing. I did that exact thing for this event. I knew exactly what I was going to wear for both the Friday night party and the whole day Saturday. I tried on my outfits in advance and critiqued myself on how they looked. I needed to be in outfits that I felt very comfortable in. I needed to feel good about the way I looked in my outfits in order not to be continually criticizing myself in my head. Being uncomfortable in my outfit can ruin an event for me.
While I was at Green Mountain, I rarely found myself uncomfortable around the other women. We were all different sizes and shapes. But there was an air of acceptance at Green Mountain that I have never found at any other place. I began to feel comfortable around the women to the extent that I never once fixed my hair or put on makeup for the whole 2 weeks I was there (thats a big step for me).
Since coming home from Green Mountain, I have found that I am more able to be comfortable in a group of women. I'm sure this has a little to do with the fact that I feel more confident because I have lost a little bit of weight. Mostly I think this has to do with what I learned at Green Mountain. Those women that I was with on Saturday did not care if I was larger than them. Our difference in sizes was not the first thing they saw when they looked at me.
That leads me to an interesting conversation that got me to thinking. Over the course of lunch, we played a game where we asked the bride questions that were written out on little cards. One of the questions was "would you permanently gain 30 pounds for a million dollars." Now I have to admit that I outweighed these women by way more than 30 pounds. My first instinct to this question was to say, yes, for a million dollars, I would totally gain 30 pounds. Most of the women, however, answered a very resounding NO. Now, like I said, I outweigh these women by way more than 30 pounds. I would take their weight plus 30 pounds any day of the week. And yet, most of them would not consider gaining 30 pounds for a million dollars. They would still be at a healthy weight if they were 30 pounds heavier. But society has made being overweight such a stigma that it would not even be worth a million dollars to gain 30 pounds. Not even 50 or 100 pounds, only 30 pounds.
To close, I just want to say that I was proud of myself over the weekend because I really felt comfortable among my friends. I did obsessively plan out my outfits. And I can't say that I felt comfortable 100% of the time and that I did not compare my body to theirs. But I can say that in my outfits and in my body, I finally felt comfortable enough to have a good time. That was what Green Mountain did for me.

The first thing I saw when I looked at this picture was not how much larger I am than my friends.  And that is a nugget of success.

A not so inspiring weight loss story

I read an article on CNN today about a woman that lost 170 pounds.  This article was supposed to be inspirational.  I was not really inspired.  OK, I was inspired a little bit.  I have to give the woman props for losing 170 pounds and keeping it off.  But when I was finished with the article, I thought, she really needs a trip to Green Mountain.  Or maybe even, she needed a trip to Green Mountain long before she lost the weight.  Here is the link to the article.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/03/health/weight-loss-fitness-studio/index.html?hpt=hp_c4

First of all, there is nothing in the article about how being 310 pounds affected Deidre's health.  It is all about how she was humiliated by the way she looked.  She wouldn't wear a bathing suit, she wouldn't ride on a plane.  From a young age, she was programmed by her mother to believe that her weight was bad.  Her mother would measure out her Cheerios when she was in the fourth grade and by the time she was in high school, she had tried "just about every diet out there."  At one point, her parents and sister tricked her into a weight intervention. 
It is obvious from reading this article that Deidre's family was not supportive of her.  She says "they did not intentionally try to hurt my feelings but they were trying to wake me up."  I felt sad for her when she said that she felt that her father, a smoker who died from coronary heart disease, was disappointed in her and felt that she had let herself go.  "He was always so proud of me for my job accomplishments, but he could never understand why I couldn't get that part right." How could she "get that part right" when she was taught that her weight was bad from a young age and the only way to be accepted by her family was to lose weight.
Deidre comments that now that she has lost the weight, her relationship with her family has flourished. 
Family support and acceptance is so important to accepting ourselves and our bodies.  I am sure that Deidre is not the only one to have an altered relationship with her family because of her weight.  I, myself, have felt judged in the past by my family because of my weight (and I'm not just talking immediate family, I'm talking extended family also).  Offhand comments, being teased by family members, helpful suggestions on new diets or ways to lose weight (which are never helpful) are just some ways that family members try to "help."  These methods are not helpful and they only help reinforce to the overweight individual that their weight is bad and there is something wrong with them because they can't seem to lose weight.  That is not to say that family members cannot be helpful to an overweight individual.  They can be supportive, not constantly surround the individual with unhealthy food choices, be available should the individual want an exercise partner.
Finally, now that Deidre has lost all this weight, her family says that "We finally got our Dee back. Her personality is back. She's her bubbly normal self.  We're definitely closer."  It took Deidre losing 170 pounds to finally find acceptance from her family.  
You might be asking yourself how you can support your overweight family member.  First and foremost, accept and love them for who they are.  They are a person, with feelings and emotions.  Fat does not insulate us from hurtful comments.  Never make your overweight family member feel that your love is conditional on their losing weight.
Accept that being overweight and being unhealthy do not go hand in hand.  There is a whole movement out there called Healthy at Every Size.  What is Health at Every Size?
1. Accepting and respecting the diversity of body shapes and sizes
2. Recognizing that health and well-being are multi-dimensional and that they include physical, social, spiritual, occupational. emotional, and intellectual aspects
3. Promoting all aspects of health and well-being for people of sizes
4. Promoting eating in a manner which balances individual nutrition needs, hunger, satiety, appetite, and pleasure
5. Promoting individually appropriate, enjoyable, life-enhancing physical activity, rather than exercise that is focused on a goal of weight loss"  (http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/01/what-fuck-does-no-diet-talk-mean.html)

We can be beautiful and healthy at any size.

A Pain in My Side

Have you ever read the story about the Princess and the Pea? You know, a princess is tested by a prince and his mother to see if she is actually "royal" by placing a pea under 20 mattresses. After a horrible night, the princess tells the prince and his mother that she was kept awake all night because of something hard in the bed that she is sure bruised her. The prince rejoices because only a real princess would be able to feel the pea through such a quantity of bedding.
Well, I can sympathize with the princess. About a week and half ago, on a Saturday night, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I thought for sure there must be something in my bed. I adjusted the blankets but nothing at all seemed to help. I am no princess (well, it depends on who you ask) and I'm sure there was no pea under my mattress but I had such a hard time sleeping that night. When I woke up on Sunday, I had such a pain in my left side.
Fast forward to today, 2 doctors appointments and a trip to the ER, and I still have a pain in my side. Maybe I should lift up my mattress and check for a pea.
It is something of a humbling experience for a nurse to be a patient. I want reasons and answers for my pain. My first trip to the doctor, I couldn't get in to see my doctor and had to see a resident. I am not a fan of seeing residents and I was definitely not a fan of this resident. I believe that by the time I left the exam room, he could tell that. My clinical diagnosis was "it's probably nothing" and if the pain continued, come back to the doctor in a week. This did not make me happy. Maybe because as a nurse, I know you should not tell a patient "It's probably nothing" even if you think it is nothing. Telling a patient their pain is nothing is not acknowledging their concerns.
As the week progressed, I continued to have the pain. Being the nurse that I am, I wanted answers, so I took to googling my symptoms. (I do not recommend this, by the way. Do as I say not as I do). The pain did not restrict my movements, I continued to work and exercise. But it was a constant ache that did not respond to Tylenol, Ibuprofen, heat, etc. I could tell that I was limiting my exercising because of a fear of making the pain worse. The weekend passed and on Monday, I had had enough. After a frustrating 30 minutes on hold with the triage nurse line at my doctor's office, the doctor that I was working with that day recommended that I go to the ER.
I hate being in the ER ( OK, who doesn't). I hate being on the other side of the bed. I was subjected to an IV, Xrays, and a CT scan (try being wheeled to Xray in that cute little hospital gown all the while trying to hide and hope you don't see anyone you work with). My nurse was great and got my IV in one try, she even let me pick the vein for her. 5 hours in the ER and still there were no answers. All the tests and labs and scans were normal. The doctor apologized profusely for not giving me an answer for my pain and sent me home.
Finally this morning I got to see my doctor. He was great about it and had already looked at my ER records. He was similarly puzzled by my symptoms but gave me some possible reasons for my pain. A strained muscle (seriously, I went to the ER for a strained muscle??), a kidney stone (probably not), an ovarian cyst (which will require another trip to another doctor). But he was kind and reassuring. He even suggested that I back off on weight lifting and exercises that might work my side (no ab workouts!!) for about a week to see if that helps. I should stick to walking or low impact exercises because, in his words, he would never recommend that I not exercise when I want to.
My friend Beth blogged recently about roadblocks. I feel like, right now, this stupid pain in my side is a roadblock. I cannot let it stop me in my tracks. I do not have the patience for random side pains that cannot be fixed or even diagnosed. But I have to get off my path, take a lighter path for a week or so, and hope that it meets up eventually with the path that I was on.

Ruts and funks

Sometimes life does not go the way we want it to. It's a simple concept that I am fully aware of. Life isn't fair, we learn that as children. Things don't always go our way. But for a (occasional) control freak like myself, it's a difficult concept to accept. I usually do a good job accepting life as it comes. However, sometimes, when things are thrown at me like baseballs, it just gets to be too much. My inner child (my rebel self) wants to throw a tantrum. Stomp my feet, scream at the top of my lungs. But my practical self, my annoying, overbearing practical self, will not allow me. I must be nice. I must take everything graciously, smiling all the way. And when that all just seems like too much, what do I do? I descend into a funk. Feeling all funkyfied, I forget that exercise makes me feel better. In fact, my rebel self refuses to exercise. I just wallow in all my funkyfied funkiness.
It goes like this. Practical Julia says, come on now, it's time to workout. Rebel Julia says, NO, and stomps her foot. I WON'T DO IT. I WILL SIT ON THIS COUCH. WALLOWING IN MY FUNK. Rebel Julia has a strong will and usually wins out when it comes to this.
But the fact of the matter is that wallowing will not change the circumstances. It will not put off adult decisions that must be made. People will still leave and work will still roll around every morning. And all the Green Mountain experience will not get my ass off the couch if I don't let it.
So what do I do? Well, tonight I used all my Green Mountain learning to help pull myself out of my funk. Did I put on my sneakers and work out? Nope. I took a bath. A long, hot, steaming bath in my wonderfully deep bathtub. And I played my favorite Norah Jones CD. And I petted my cat and used my absolute best smelling lavendar lotion after my bath. I used every single self soothing technique I could remember that Darla taught us. And I wrote it all out here, where everyone can read it because I've found that blogging makes me feel better.
Even 2 weeks at Green Mountain can't change the fact that we all go through funks. We all sometimes feel like life is beating us black and blue. It can't change that sometimes we don't want to smile and be pleasant and congratulate everyone else on all the wonderful things happening to them, all the while screaming inside, I want something wonderful too!! We just have to make wonderful for ourselves, even if it was just a wonderful, lavender scented hot bath. Small steps here. Ridiculously small steps.

That one thing...

You know how, when you are really stressed, and there is this one small thing that happens that usually would be totally nothing. But at that moment, when you are already totally stressed and emotional, it becomes that one thing that sends you over the edge. To a total meltdown. And you find yourself on the couch, crying, because you can't find your headphones. Well, yeah, that was me this evening. Crying over headphones.
Let me back up. As I have said in other blogs, I have a few things in my life right now that are causing me stress. They are things I would rather not talk about here but the people that are close to me know about. Anyway, I learned a lot of techniques at Green Mountain to help me deal with stress. The problem is using those techniques instead of falling into your usual old habits. When I get really stressed and upset, I tend to sit on my couch and do nothing. Just sit. I also use food to deal with stress. So this evening, I found myself sitting on my couch, over thinking and allowing thoughts to run like mad through my mind. Then I took a deep breath and decided, what would my Green Mountain me do right now?? She would get up and take a walk! So I put my sneakers on and got some water in a water bottle and went into my bedroom to get my headphones. My headphones were in my carry on bag and the last time I used them was on the plane home from Florida. I reached into my carry on bag, which I realized was completely unpacked, and no headphones. So I walked into my living room, still calm at this point, to see if they were there. No. So maybe the kitchen? No. Then I started to get flustered. Where were they? Checked the carry on bag again, kitchen again, living room again. No headphones. That was when the meltdown started. No headphones! How as I going to go on a walk without my headphones! Plus I keep my headphones in this little bag that my boyfriend gave me from Pakistan and l love that little bag. I was almost more upset about losing the bag than the headphones. I can replace the headphones but not the bag. After completely turning my apartment upside down and looking everywhere for my headphones, I had to admit to myself they were gone. They probably fell out of my carry on bag in the plane. Well, cue meltdown. I couldn't go on a walk without my headphones! And if I couldn't go on a walk, I was completely letting down my Green Mountain me! I was literally ready to head for my bed and hide under my covers (Darla taught us about self soothing techniques and one is swaddling, in other words, burying yourself in the covers). But I took a deep breath and tried very hard to move past my meltdown. You don't have to go on a walk. You can do the Green Mountain Momentum DVD. You can restart Jillian Michaels Body Revolution, which I've been meaning to do anyway. Deep breath, drink some water, deep breath. So I did the Jillian Michaels Body Revolution day 1 DVD and it was hard!! I sweated for 30 minutes straight. And when I was done, I was so happy I did it. Which leads me to a Green Mountain affirmation, you will never regret a workout. You will never work out and think afterwards, I really wish I hadn't done that. You will always feel better after a workout than before.
I received 2 pieces of mail today that brought a little happiness to my otherwise stressful day. One is the thank you letter I wrote to myself on day 10 of my time at Green Mountain. I had intentionally planned to have them mail this to me in one month. I've been home a little over one month now and it's arrival couldn't have been at a better time.

My Green Mountain Thank You letter

The second piece of mail was "This Month Belongs to Me!" cards that my BFF Beth (at Beth's New Start, check out her blog) made me. The cards are a months worth of affirmations and reminders. All laminated and on cute paper. Beth is so creative!! Day # 4 says, I have never regretted being active. Exactly!! Thanks Beth!

On a completely lighter note, I have just finished rereading a book called Wild (by Cheryl Strayed). This is an amazing book, and just as amazing the second time around, about a woman who sets out to hike the Pacific Crest Trail from California to Oregon. Her journey is inspiring. I would highly recommend it! I am now rereading A Walk in the Woods (by Bill Bryson) about a man who hikes the complete Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine. I read it first quite a few years ago so it's almost like reading it for the first time. I'm only about a chapter into it. Well, I was thoroughly inspired by Wild that I thought, I could go hiking like that. Wouldn't that be awesome. It would be such a journey of self discovery. Maybe I wouldn't have to do the whole trail. Maybe take a month off work, hike a months worth of the Appalachian trail. Which led me to start researching hiking on the Appalachian trail. Which quickly led me to realize, I don't think I could do that. You have to use outhouses. If they are available. Otherwise, you have to bury your own poop. And there detailed explanations on how to do that. And there are snakes, and spiders, and ticks, and rodents, and bears. And there are NO showers available for many, many, many miles. So, now I think maybe I"ll look into day hiking. That sounds like something I could do.
One final note, I'm watching coverage right now on the bombs that went off at the Boston marathon. My thoughts are with all those who were affected.
Goodnight friends.

Under the Weather

I've been feeling under the weather since arriving home to DC, thanks go to my Mom for that. I have found that my eating and exercising have suffered because of being sick.
One big issue for my pre-Green Mountain self was that I let things like these, vacations and being sick, become a road block. After I would get home from a vacation or after I would get better from being sick, I would not be able to pick up where I left off.
So my goal for this week is to start my exercising again after I feel better. I will start out slowly and work my way back up to where I was before I went to Florida.
I was disappointed to learn that the beginners tennis class I had enrolled in at an Alexandria park had been cancelled due to low enrollment. It was supposed to start on Monday. I'm hoping to be able to enroll in the next class that starts up in the summer. I have always wanted to be able to play tennis and I'm determined to keep trying.
The weather is so beautiful today, I might try to go for a leisurely walk despite feeling bad.

Having fun at Disney!

Hello friends. I just realized how long it's been since I've updated my blog. Thats no way to keep my readers happy! I've been in Florida for the past week having a fun time with my family. On Thursday morning, my Mom and I did the Green Mountain Morning Momentum DVD. Actually we did the "midafternoon momentum DVD." I realize now that my difficulty with morning comes directly from my Mom. I think this must be a trait I inherited from my Mom's side of the family. Even my grandmother could always sleep the morning away if she had the chance. I can't really speak for my cousins on my Mom's side, maybe they can comment on here and let me know. If I can establish that this is something I inherited from my Mom's side of the family, I can say my inability to get up in the morning is familial and I won't have to feel so bad about not being a morning person!!
Graesen and I had a great time riding bikes. There is a nice trail that picks up close to my Mom's development called the Pinellas trail. There are several places where the trail crosses intersections and there are pedestrian bridges over the intersections. Grae and I had fun riding up a long ramp to get on the bridge and then turning around and riding as fast as we could down the ramp.
After Graesen got out of school, we took a ride down to the St Petersburg beach. Graesen took off running to the beach and I followed him. I felt so proud that I was able to run the whole length of the beach without getting too winded.
Saturday started our Disney adventure. There was no time to get in any exercise while we were at Disney but I'm pretty sure I made up for that with the walking we did around Magic Kingdom. I wore my Fitbit and on Saturday, it registered 12,938 steps and on Sunday, 13,958 steps. Approx 10,000 steps equals about 5 miles so I think we did pretty good.
Getting a healthy meal at Disney was a little difficult. I allowed myself the freedom to eat the food without feeling guilty about it. I didn't indulge in very many of the sweet treats that are sold everywhere so I was proud of that.
So tomorrow I'm back to work and back to my workout schedule. I only did one day of my Jillian Michael's Body Revolution, so I am going to start from scratch tomorrow night.
I have a few stressors in my life right now and I have to fight the urge to break down and use food to deal with my stress. I need to go to the grocery store and stock back up on groceries so I have healthy choices to make. I also want to break out my bike since I had so much fun riding my Mom's bike. The weather here in DC really warmed up while I was away and I am looking forward for some chances to get outside to exercise.

A Week in Perspective

I've really been meaning to write before today and feel like a recap from last week would have been better written sooner. Yesterday and today have been long days and I've felt somewhat in a funk.
One of my big goals for the week was to establish a lunch break where I left the clinic for 30 minutes. Typically, we tend to eat our lunch sitting at our desk with frequent interruptions to do something. Sometimes it can take me 2 hours just to eat a sandwich. I spoke with my coworkers and they were very agreeable to the idea. So on Wednesday and Thursday, I left clinic for 30 minutes and ate my lunch in the nursing lounge. Friday was such a busy day that we were not able to get away. I am determined to keep my lunch breaks a habit, knowing that some days will be too busy and being ok with that.
I was pleased with my attempt at exercise last week. One of my biggest problems was trying to figure out how to fit in cardio and strength training in after work. I decided to do my Green Mountain Morning Momentum DVD after work. I figured, morning or evening, it was still cardio and LynnAnn wouldn't mind too much if I did it after work or before. I combined the 30 minutes of cardio with either the upper or lower body strength training DVD. This combination took me about an hour and I did it on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Tuesday I got a chance to visit my friend Annemarie for lunch and walk and then I got in some fun cardio chasing her 4 year old boy around the playground for about 20 minutes.
Tomorrow I am planning on starting Jillian Michael's 90 day Body Revolution. Now, let me just be honest, I do not think that Jillian Michaels will be able to revolutionize my body in 90 days. However, the program is made up of DVDs that include cardio and strength in 30 minutes. I'm excited to give it a try.
On Saturday, I dropped my boyfriend off at the airport and he will be gone for 2 weeks. I decided to go to the mall and get some retail therapy. I got a haircut but other than that, the trip to the mall did nothing but put me in a bad mood. The little bit of weight and inches I have lost are encouraging to me but I seem to be in between sizes and everything I tried on did not look good. Let me be honest, there was some bad self talk going on until I finally left in the mall in frustration. The rest of Saturday, I spent sitting on the couch in a funk. I even tried to look at my Green Mountain emergency kit but nothing really got me out of my mood.
Today I met a friend for brunch in DC and then we went to Eastern Market. It wasn't really all that warm but it really wasn't all that cold. It was nice to get out and Eastern Market is always fun to look around.
This will be a short work week for me as I am going to Florida on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to going to some warmer weather and I will be visiting my Mom, sister, and nephew. We are taking him to Disney World and it is his first time there. I am determined to keep up my exercise and healthy eating while I'm in Florida.
I was encouraged to see a small change in the scale this week. I learned at Green Mountain that it is not about the numbers on the scale but more about how I feel. I feel good and am proud of the small changes I have made, especially with my exercise which has always been a huge obstacle for me. So it was encouraging to see a change in the scale.

Adjusting my expectations

Hello friends. A full week has passed since I came home from Green Mountain. I can say it has been a week of trying to figure it all out and adjusting my expectations. My days at Green Mountain seem so long ago.
Food-wise, I can say that is has been good and bad. I have made my breakfast, lunch, and snacks for work and eaten balanced meals. I skipped a potluck on Thursday and ate the lunch I packed. I allowed myself a small piece of cake and "let it go." Dinner has been difficult because I have found myself not eating dinner until 8:30 or 9pm and then going to bed shortly after. The reason for that is because I have been trying to do cardio and strength training after work, then showering, packing my lunch, and fixing dinner. I know that this is not something I can keep up and I am going to have to brainstorm on different ways to fit it all in so I'm not eating dinner at 9pm. I also walked into the kitchen one evening, I was feeling frustrated, and grabbed ice cream out of the freezer and started eating it out of the carton. As soon as I realized it, I stopped, put the ice cream away and started working on my Green Mountain 911 Emergency Box. I wrote down a bunch of affirmations on pieces of colored paper and took them to work with me. I tape one to my computer and look at it during the day, especially if I am feeling stressed.
Exercise, well, I'm still trying to figure it all out. I did strength training, alternating upper and lower body, every day Monday thru Thursday after work. The Green Mountain upper and lower body strength training DVDs are about an hour long each. I think I a going to have to reduce the amount of time I strength training to about 20 minutes each evening. Cardio was harder to fit in. Even though we learned that "something is better than nothing," I'm so critical of my efforts and think it's just not enough. I took a water aerobics class at a rec center in Alexandria on Thursday after work. I left the class feeling irritated and frustrated because I was being too critical of the workout. I think I am going to have to readjust my expectations and realize that I don't have to be falling down, out of breath, for it to count as cardio. As soon as it is warmer, I'm hoping to get out and get walking, which is my favorite ways to get in cardio after work. I'm also going to invest in a polar heart monitor so I can monitor my heart rate during my exercise. That way I can be reassured that I am reaching my THR and staying there.
I had an unrealistic goal to get up in the morning before work to do the Green Mountain Morning Momentum DVD. I really shouldn't have set this as a goal for myself, knowing my difficulty getting up in the morning for work. It hasn't happened once. I do wish I could do it but I also remember what LynnAnn told us, "If you aren't a morning person, don't force yourself to work out in the morning!"
My goals for the next week:
-Continue figuring out how to fit in cardio and strength training after work without having to eat dinner at 9pm (a goal in progress)
-Get up 15 minutes earlier every morning so I can do a little deep breathing and stretching (thats a huge goal, I hate getting up in the morning). I may start with even just getting up 5 or 10 minutes earlier and work my way up to 15 minutes.
-Talk to my coworkers about establishing a 30 minute lunch break for the 3 of us so we can go to lunch and not eat at our desks. There is no way to eat mindfully if you can't even eat your lunch in one sitting
-Be more patient with myself. You can't change habits overnight. You can't make new habits overnight.
I think that is enough goals for one week. I'm craving warmer weather and hoping spring starts showing it's face soon.

Back in the real world

Hello friends. Tonight is my first blog since I arrived home. My bags are unpacked and my laundry is done. Coming home has been bittersweet. I am happy to be with my boyfriend again. Ms Molly is letting me know how much she didn't appreciate me being gone, she wanders around the apartment meowing pitifully. But I really do miss my Green Mountain friends and the predictability of being there. It is much easier when the meals are made for you.
I have been struggling with my desire to do everything perfectly. I keep reminding myself that Green Mountain stressed only trying to make 3 changes at a time.
I started my day out with LynnAnn on the Green Mountain Morning Momentum DVD. It was nice to know I brought LynnAnn home with me. I also did the lower body strength training DVD.
It was then time to tackle the grocery store. Immediately when I walked in the door, the Easter candy was right there. I walked right past it and headed to the fruits and veggies. I stocked up on whole grains, lean meats, and fruits and vegetables. I did indulge by buying some ice cream knowing that ice cream is not one of my trigger foods. For me, trigger foods are candy, chocolate, and chips, none of which made it into my buggy.
I then went to Target to get some supplies so I can start working on my Green Mountain Emergency box. I have an idea of the things I want to put into it. I also got a pair of 8 pound weights so I can keep up my strength training from home.
Tomorrow is my first day back to work. This has brought on a little stress for some reason. Maybe just because I will have to use my willpower to only eat what I brought in my lunch. Also, I'm nervous about people asking me about my weight loss and bringing attention to it. I'm excited to see my patients and my coworkers.
I know that this is a journey I am willing and excited to take. I need to be patient with myself to figure out how I am going to implement all the changes in my life. Making such huge changes is hard and does not happen overnight. But like we say at Green Mountain, "I am doing this for me and no one can take it away."

A letter to my friends and family

Creating a support team is one of the most important steps after a trip to Green Mountain. I know I have the support of my friends that I made at Green Mountain. In addition, I will be looking to my friends and family for support also. The following letter was included in our Green Mountain binder and we were encouraged to share it with our friends and family so they know how best they can provide support and encouragement.

What is Support?

-Support is...acknowledging my success.
I am happy with the progress I am making toward achieving my goals, although I may not yet have reached my healthy weight and fitness goals. I now know how I feel is more important than what the scale says...and I feel great! Please understand that each time I improve my behavior in eating and exercise situations, I am experiencing success. Please recognize that I am making progress and appreciate the improvements instead of expecting perfection.
-Support is...understanding me.
I am not on a diet because I have learned that diets don't work long-term. I am no longer starving, restricting or totally depriving myself; nor am I continually obsessing about food. Instead I am developing and practicing a new, healthy lifestyle that includes being active and eating in a way that makes me feel well. I am satisfied with this new approach. Please do not pressure me to do something else.
-Support is...trusting me.
My new eating plan has no "forbidden" or "illegal" foods. I can eat anything I want, but I am working on redefining what I want. Since moderation is a new concept for me, it will take time for me to feel comfortable with it. Please trust me and give me the time that I need to practice being honest with myself, and the space to correct mistakes I may make.
-Support is...allowing me to make my own choices.
It is difficult and frightening for me to learn to eat reasonable portions of my favorite foods. Please allow me the freedom to make my food choices (whether you approve or not) without comments, criticism, or reprimands. Please do not force food upon me, withhold it from me, or question my decision to eat.
-Support is...helping me to be patient and realistic.
I would like to be optimally healthy right now. I would like the struggle with my eating and weight to be over forever. But achieving health and a healthy weight can be a long, slow process, requiring me to make changes in my behavior and lifestyle. Because I am looking for healthy permanent changes, my success is not measured by changes in my weight alone. Please do not set expectations about how much I will lose or how quickly.
-Support is...sensitivity and consideration.
My weight and health are very personal matters. I would like to avoid discussing them at family or work affairs and social gatherings. When friends and family infringe upon my privacy, please help me change the subject and redirect the attention away from me.
Support is...having you on my side.
I am choosing to make changes in my life that can result in new feelings, new experiences and new problems. Some of the changes will be welcome and exciting, some will be disruptive and threatening. If I am to deal successfully with these changes, I need the support of people who understand and respect me. I need my family and friends to help me break through barriers instead of creating them for me. It would make me very happy to know that you are in my corner.

Sincerely and with love,
Julia